Solitude
Day One’s “Today” offered me a glorious reminder of why leaving my post last September of eight years was a good one. It also reminded me of of my old boss Mary, which warmed my heart. I saw her in passing recently at the store and she is amid having some pretty intense dental work done and so my heart strained for her. Dealing with tooth pain and the goings on at the dentist are not fun for anyone. I don’t recall once in my life anybody being excited about their dentist appointment.
But then my thoughts turned to romance and what the point of it would be for someone old and irrelevant such as myself. What is the purpose of being in a romantic relationship if you are in your forties? The idea of a “happily ever after” seems pretty silly to start so late in one’s life. So what is the purpose, then? Is it companionship? Sexual encounters? Companionship is getting easier and easier with AI every day. People in decades long relationships that have stood the test of time more than likely wouldn’t be able to find proper companionship with an AI Chatbot, not will people who have a strong relationship with lots of people, but for those of us who have been isolated and left only to their own devices (both literally and figuratively) for so long it isn’t so hard to wrap your head around. Some of us have been so far-removed from the social circles for so long that just the idea of dipping our toes in the water is enough to make obvious to those around us just how far away from people we have become.
It surely can’t be sexual encounters tho. What is the point of sexual encounters with someone outside of perhaps bringing another life into the world? Because it feels good, I suppose, would be a common answer for most people. However, if given proper analysis as soon as romantic relationships go to that level, it isn’t shortly thereafter that the couple finds themselves in their first heated battle. I would only suppose this is because this person you have built up in your imaginative head doesn’t quite match to the actual human being you’re in the company of. Effectively, this transforms all the other quirky things about their personality that you once found an extension of their charm are now just exactly that - quirks and you start to not be able to stand them.
More than likely this is just one of those “moments of clarity” where after years of various levels of substance and alcohol abuse, I have these moments were I’m teleported back in time, if even just for a few moments, but it’s like I was there and feeling all the emotions of that moment. There are times recently where I’ve been having these moments shall we say, where I recall happier moments of my marriage, and that feeling must be what I miss. There were so many aspects of her I never addressed properly and now that I’m some dipshit old man I can’t help but meditate on how much of an idiot I was.
I can’t wait for spring, and to get busy again at work, so I’m not with any free time to sit around and think about how I feel.
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